In reply to Maggie’s question: “Can you forgive but really forget?”
Some days my heart literally aches when I think of certain memories. I feel the emptiness in my chest, my heart being tugged in an enormous hole. Some days I can still feel the sadness even in an environment surrounded by true, genuine love and happiness. Sometimes it takes days for me to forget after the pain is resurfaced from the years having passed. And some days, it’s one, two or three different past and painful situations wrapped up together inside my head: remembering.
As we get older, man, it piles up! Different painful situations from different relationships start to add up. The pain that one suffered gets intensified as relationships develop or as relationships expand. Intensified in the sense that we learn to brace ourselves for emotional pain to come or heightened because after years of trying to forget, we don’t and now we’re just messed up! Perhaps after the forgiving, the forgetting doesn’t happen because it is impossible to have the reminders in our face literally every day in many different ways.
I’m not sure what Maggie was referring to. Perhaps her sister stole her favorite purse. Or perhaps her vet misdiagnosed her dog. It could be anything. But let’s talk about the most common “forgive and forget” scenario. Cheating. Two-timing. Infidelity. And let’s take Tiger Woods for lack of better example. Do we really expect hundreds, or thousand, maybe even millions of women to “forget” their husbands or boyfriends cheated when they are bombarded by the Tiger Woods scandal? His face is on every magazine at the check-out counters of the supermarkets! Everyone on the radio is talking about him and everyone on TV has an opinion, a justification, or a psychological answer to Tiger’s behavior. If something like this has happened to you, how in the world can you forget when it’s all we can talk about? I find it impossible to believe that old wounds are not opened for many, many women…err, people when our society partakes in a global discussion.
No, I don’t think you can forgive and forget. I believe you can forgive but not forget. Whether it was a stolen purse or a bad vet, every time you see a purse or a dog, you most probably think of the situation. So I believe, what needs to be done is a need to take care of you and how to handle that “not-forgetting” little situation we have on our hands. The forgiving is personal for everyone (and I won’t touch on that assuming that Maggie has forgiven, however her journey). The “not-forgetting” can bring out the “uglies”-horrible moods, anger, depression, and earfuls for the girlfriends who were oh-so-over it many years ago. This is not attractive behavior. So we must combat the root of a new problem after the original problem: us. I hear prayer works for a lot of people and a nice cocktail for even more (I kid, I kid)! Counseling and therapy is a great idea and in vogue as it is now widely accepted, if not, encouraged. For me, yoga does the trick. I feel so refreshed, spiritual and calm that those memories get tucked back at my lowest chakra until something like a la Tiger-humongous-jumbo reminder comes to bring it back out.
Jokes aside, if someone asks for forgiveness or didn’t but you decide it’s time to forgive in order to move on; forgetting is our own and another responsibility right? We need to realize and remember that forgetting is a life-long process. My heart will continue to be tugged and ringed by the past, but my mind must be at peace to accept the present.
Xoxo,
Betty
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
What Comes after Babies?
The list: 1)Crush. 2)First kiss. 3)Boyfriend/Girlfriend. 4)Engagement. 5)Wedding. 6)Babies... 7)uh....7) hmmm? Babies and then what?
There is so much to look forward to when one is going through the rights of passage. I am sure everyone can remember their first crush and of course their first kiss. Boyfriends come and go and it was so much fun to date (well not all the time...). Engagements and weddings are documented by photographers and videographers and those events also come and go so fast. When the babies start coming...showers and gifts and sleeping through the night and first steps...but then what? Sure there is so much to look forward to when it comes to your child but what about your partner? The one that stood outside your door clutching a bouquet of flowers before taking you out on a date. The one that stood at the altar and brought your first baby to your lips. What happens when you accomplish items 1-6 on your list and you are only in your mid- thirties? What happens when there is no number 7 and no roll around in the sack anymore? (or not as often, at least!) And no tickles here and no tickles there? We are having this discussion in our early 30s? Why are we so tired? Why are we wearing the ugliest pj's at night, sitting on separate couches and going to bed at different times than our husbands? We need to spice it up.
My girlfriends and I just had a discussion on how tired we are at the end of the night and how guilty we feel. We agreed that men never seem to be tired when it comes to sex. Really, if you enticed them every single night, do some say no??? Not our guys!! It was also interesting that a couple of girlfriends who are single mentioned that we need to buck up (haha) and start treating our men a little better. I'm not an expert, but perhaps the excitement of "preying" on men when you are single makes the daily grind (I'm cracking myself up) seem much more enticing? Let me compare sex to food. When you go to a buffet, you pick a little here and a little there and "oooohh, there's some fried chicken I haven't had in a while so I'm going to devour that with some mashed potatoes!" And then there are situations where you have to cook everyday and it's cold pizza for the 3rd day in a row. See single ladies, you just get to pick from the vast variety and if tomorrow you need a little corn to go with that chicken and mashed potatoes, you are going to eat. The rest of us married ladies...we need to add some crushed pepper on that pizza.
Now that the single ladies understand the difference in eating (really...) we need to talk to the married ladies with the kids on how to spice it up again. Again, I am not an expert but I have heard and they say that communication is key. We need to talk to our partners in order to get into bed with them. Make it exciting again. But what should we talk about? This is what Jose and I do: once a week (or every two weeks if the budget is tight) we go out alone. We don't ever go to a movie or a bowling alley, we go have dinner and sit right in front of each other and talk. I nag. He talks about work. I nag. We drink. He talks about sports. I tell him about a book I'm reading. We talk about Diego. We drink. We drink some more. We eat. We talk about the people in the restaurant. We laugh. We gossip. We laugh some more.We walk home. We get home and then...well you get the picture. But it can't just be twice a month right? No it can't.
This is where it really gets hard (I really can't help myself). Ladies: bring out the lingerie during the week. Men: bring home that bottle of wine. Ladies: Plan a special dinner for the two when the baby is off to bed. Men: Help out around the house for Christ's sake! Women are not superhuman with extraordinary powers. Help her help you! Ladies: Ask him about his day. Try not to mention that your mother called and cousin Juanito got arrested again. Ladies: MAKE TIME FOR YOU and go and get a massage, a pedicure, feel feminine. And don't tell me you can't afford it cause all you have to do is make your own coffee for a week. Men: put the toilet seat down, trim those nose hairs and get a facial. Yes, facials for men are okay! And Men: please don't ignore your wife the whole evening and then start kissing her when 11pm rolls around.
Sacrifices. Forcing ourselves to do things we don't normally do or want to do. We force ourselves to do things for our kids, our parents, our sibling and friends. Why not our partners? As I stated before, I'm no expert and I really need to follow my own advice. Ever since we moved back to the States I can't seem to get myself out of the funk. I'm tired. Exhausted actually and my mood is so foul that Jose has to check it by calling before walking in the door. Usually it's a negative. When things are good...oh they are sooo good. So why not give it a go a little more often? Give yourself something to look forward to like number 7: Yummy love.
What other advice would you give to those who need a little kick?
xoxo,
Betty
There is so much to look forward to when one is going through the rights of passage. I am sure everyone can remember their first crush and of course their first kiss. Boyfriends come and go and it was so much fun to date (well not all the time...). Engagements and weddings are documented by photographers and videographers and those events also come and go so fast. When the babies start coming...showers and gifts and sleeping through the night and first steps...but then what? Sure there is so much to look forward to when it comes to your child but what about your partner? The one that stood outside your door clutching a bouquet of flowers before taking you out on a date. The one that stood at the altar and brought your first baby to your lips. What happens when you accomplish items 1-6 on your list and you are only in your mid- thirties? What happens when there is no number 7 and no roll around in the sack anymore? (or not as often, at least!) And no tickles here and no tickles there? We are having this discussion in our early 30s? Why are we so tired? Why are we wearing the ugliest pj's at night, sitting on separate couches and going to bed at different times than our husbands? We need to spice it up.
My girlfriends and I just had a discussion on how tired we are at the end of the night and how guilty we feel. We agreed that men never seem to be tired when it comes to sex. Really, if you enticed them every single night, do some say no??? Not our guys!! It was also interesting that a couple of girlfriends who are single mentioned that we need to buck up (haha) and start treating our men a little better. I'm not an expert, but perhaps the excitement of "preying" on men when you are single makes the daily grind (I'm cracking myself up) seem much more enticing? Let me compare sex to food. When you go to a buffet, you pick a little here and a little there and "oooohh, there's some fried chicken I haven't had in a while so I'm going to devour that with some mashed potatoes!" And then there are situations where you have to cook everyday and it's cold pizza for the 3rd day in a row. See single ladies, you just get to pick from the vast variety and if tomorrow you need a little corn to go with that chicken and mashed potatoes, you are going to eat. The rest of us married ladies...we need to add some crushed pepper on that pizza.
Now that the single ladies understand the difference in eating (really...) we need to talk to the married ladies with the kids on how to spice it up again. Again, I am not an expert but I have heard and they say that communication is key. We need to talk to our partners in order to get into bed with them. Make it exciting again. But what should we talk about? This is what Jose and I do: once a week (or every two weeks if the budget is tight) we go out alone. We don't ever go to a movie or a bowling alley, we go have dinner and sit right in front of each other and talk. I nag. He talks about work. I nag. We drink. He talks about sports. I tell him about a book I'm reading. We talk about Diego. We drink. We drink some more. We eat. We talk about the people in the restaurant. We laugh. We gossip. We laugh some more.We walk home. We get home and then...well you get the picture. But it can't just be twice a month right? No it can't.
This is where it really gets hard (I really can't help myself). Ladies: bring out the lingerie during the week. Men: bring home that bottle of wine. Ladies: Plan a special dinner for the two when the baby is off to bed. Men: Help out around the house for Christ's sake! Women are not superhuman with extraordinary powers. Help her help you! Ladies: Ask him about his day. Try not to mention that your mother called and cousin Juanito got arrested again. Ladies: MAKE TIME FOR YOU and go and get a massage, a pedicure, feel feminine. And don't tell me you can't afford it cause all you have to do is make your own coffee for a week. Men: put the toilet seat down, trim those nose hairs and get a facial. Yes, facials for men are okay! And Men: please don't ignore your wife the whole evening and then start kissing her when 11pm rolls around.
Sacrifices. Forcing ourselves to do things we don't normally do or want to do. We force ourselves to do things for our kids, our parents, our sibling and friends. Why not our partners? As I stated before, I'm no expert and I really need to follow my own advice. Ever since we moved back to the States I can't seem to get myself out of the funk. I'm tired. Exhausted actually and my mood is so foul that Jose has to check it by calling before walking in the door. Usually it's a negative. When things are good...oh they are sooo good. So why not give it a go a little more often? Give yourself something to look forward to like number 7: Yummy love.
What other advice would you give to those who need a little kick?
xoxo,
Betty
