Bully

Jose and I have pretty much agreed with everything relating to parenting such as discipline, activities, sleep issues, and so on. Latetly though, I must confess, I was really not comfortable with the way he wanted Diego to deal with a little something that was going on. We were in total disagreement and started fighting, involving our close friends for opinions and reading up on specific parenting blogs. This issue has been going on for about six months and because Jose felt so strongly about this, I was giving in.


When Diego was really young, I remember us having conversations with other couples about whether or not we preferred our sons to be bullies or victims. Most of the dads and some of the moms said that they preferred their boys to be the "tougher" kid. Today, as the news is spinning out tons of stories of young men (and women) who are taking their lives because of bullies, I believe we are all starting to think differently.


Diego has never been an agressive kid. Like a lot of children, we had to teach him to share, take turns and be gentle and not a day goes by that he isn't reminded of these essential developmental steps. It started to get a little tough for him when other children were not willing to "take 5 minute turns" or would take things away from him. But it really started to get tough for Jose when he was witnessing kids shove Diego, not give him space, and take away things from his hands without Diego doing anything but cry. So like everything I do when it comes to an issue I don't know how to deal with, I Google it, read up on it, talk to my teacher friends and I found that everyone was in agreement that we should teach our children to say, "No. I don't like that" or "Please stop" or "No, thank you" when they feel threatened, when they are hit or when another child is about to take something away. We are supposed to teach our children to "use their words" instead of crying, so that all parties are aware of what is going on.


Well, those suggestions and those words didn't go very well with Diego. He used them when he felt threatened, we reminded him to "speak up" but it truly wasn't working and Jose witnessed other children not caring what Diego "felt" so it wasn't working for Jose either. He said that I was teaching Diego to be too polite and that he was going to end up being a push over. Jose started teaching Diego how to fight. (!)


So Diego and I go off to the park and I was embarrassed when he decided to share with some of us that, "Daddy says its okay to hit back" after he witnessed another child get hit. A friend of mine asked me what that was all about and I explained that Jose was really upset about Diego just sitting there and letting kids as young as 18 months wack him over the head and since he was only reacting with tears, Jose was teaching him how to "defend" himself. I didn't feel comfortable sharing this. I felt as people would think Jose was a thug from 26th Street in Chicago (hahaha!! cause he was!) and although I kind of wanted to agree with him because we both learned from The School of Hard Knocks, I just felt that there must be a way another way to teach an almost 4 year-old how to "defend" himself. I really started to feel strong about hitting never being the answer. There are major consequences in life for 2 people fighting no matter who threw the first punch!


Lucky me, Diego's preschool offers weekly coffee hours with the school's child development consultant, Dr. Kate. Today was the first session and parents sat in a circle, said our names, our child's age and were able to ask a question about anything that had to do with anything. Dr. Kate started making a list, didn't reply to anyone right away, and later grouped our questions as she answered them. She was super efficient with her one-hour session! I have to say that the majority of the room had an older sibling in the house beating up on a younger one and parents were very, very frustrated. Dr. Kate addressed our issue first and was very specific with my situation as well due to the fact that bullying is getting a lot of attention on the news right now. It really hit me when she said that children need to start to develop a voice as soon as they can speak. We need to teach our children to scream, stomp, yell "no!" when they are being bothered, even if it is by an older sibling. Dr. Kate didn't say it was okay to hit back and she probably never will, but she did say that if your 18 month old is hitting your 3 year old, there needs to be justice. So she suggested that the more agressive child should always be taken out of the situation when he hurts someone (verbally or physically) or throws a tantrum that becomes dangerous. This is also called "time-out" and we are all familiar. Dr. Kate suggested we only use time-outs for these specific situations, when a child is hurting another or hurting him or herself or is about to throw something, etc. We teach older kids not to hurt their younger siblings but when they get hurt by an 18 month old that clearly doesn't understand the consequences, showing the older child that the consequences are the same for his little sibling helps out a lot. Dr. Kate told me that it is okay to teach Diego to yell "no!" as something is happening to him even if the other child's parent or caregiver is there. She told me to also have conversations at home, after the situation occured, because when children are calm, they listen. They don't listen when they are upset and crying. Other moms recommended I pick up the children's book, "One" by Kathryn Otoshi for kids ages 4-8 and talk about how the characters deal with bullying.


I can't go so far and say that Diego is being bullied or that he is always perfectly innocent. I feel that there are very specific situations that constitute as "bullying". What is happening here is simply more assertive preschoolers vs. those that are not. What alarmed me, as a mother, was my husband's fear of Diego growing up to be bullied or simply not learning how to defend himself and I think that is valid. What also bothered me is that I simply didn't have an answer and what I was trying wasn't working. I don't expect a perfect child (ha ha by those who know me very well) but when it comes to social situations I do expect Diego to know how to behave. More importantly, when you see that certain behavior or actions that a parent makes can scar a child for life, I feel that this issue is a pretty big deal. Kids don't want anything more then to feel loved, protected and safe, it is our job to give them that and more. I don't get tired of having endless conversations with Diego about his day, about his fears and his triumphs, I feel it is my job to empower him and for him to learn to completely trust us. We need to teach our children to be tolerant, open-minded and to stick up for themselves and OTHERS! They should respect themselves and their bodies, their personal items, and their friends-but they are not going to understand that without our help. Communication is the most important thing and the conversations evolve natrually as our children's issues become more complex. I don't believe children are too young to learn this or to learn that, situations come up, bring them up and never, ever stop talking. I don't know what kind of personality Diego will end up completely developing. I hope he is a gentleman like his father, polite and friendly like his father, and smart and charming like his father. The most important thing for me is that he is happy, secure and tolerant like his father.

xoxo